Out of Town

19-Year-Old Thinks He Got The Deal Of The Century After Buying A 1994 BMW 318i For $800

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact A first-year Betoota Grove university student has failed to listen to his father - and every other older male in his life today and inked the purchase of his new car. Max Gillen could barely contain his excited when he spoke to our reporter this morning out the front of the Pisse Dans Ma Poche...

Local Bloke Fights Suspicious Feeling That Alarm Hasn’t Gone Off In Case He Misses Out On Extra Sleep

EFFIE BATEMAN | BRISBANE| CONTACT As local bloke Samuel Johnston lies in bed and stares at the ceiling, he finds himself in a terrible conundrum. You see, he has a sneaking suspicion that his alarm should be going off any second now. Or even worse, it should have rung already. But if he concedes defeat and rolls over to check his phone, he may lose...

Brainless Local Man With Tiny Cock Saddles Up For Another Drive Around Town In His Audi Q7

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact A local man with nothing in his head except for white dogshit and pigeons flying into windows has taken his Audi Q7 for a spin around town this morning. As he cut off people and tried to reverse park repeatedly in a spot too small for his stupid fucking car, he looked...

Federal Government To Release Platinum Bucks To Stimulate Lap Dance Industry

FRANKIE DeGROOT | Local News | Contact Eligible Australians will be able to access special vouchers to be spent at strip clubs under a new Federal Government scheme that aims to help create jobs for an industry that's done it tough this year. The announcement follows the release of similar State Government schemes designed to bring patrons back to restaurants and entertainment venues.    Under the...

Local Woman Peacefully Falls Asleep To The Soothing Sounds Of A Graphic True Crime Podcast

EFFIE BATEMAN | BRISBANE| CONTACT Snuggled up in bed, local woman Amelia Hardgrave scrolls on her phone to see what her YouTube recommended has to offer. As someone who couldn’t go five minutes without stimulation, whether it be scrolling social media or listening to music, the half hour window before bed time was a particularly perilous time for Amelia. Had she ever spoken to a...

One Nation Voter Yet To See Any Notable Improvements In Life After 9 Months Of Closed Borders

CLANCY OVERELL  | Editor | CONTACT For Beaudesert hairdresser, Kandise Coolwell (55), Pauline Hanson represented a political voice that was often forgotten by the experts in Canberra. All of the elite politicians, who are all lefties, never listened to people like her - but Pauline did. Pauline spoke to her anxieties and dreams, the same way Kevin did. The same way Johnny did, for a...

“Jesus Christ! What Don’t We Export To China?” Screams Trade Minister As List Of Affected Industries Grows

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Federal Trade Minister Simon Birmingham was left screaming this afternoon as China slaps tarrifs and export bans on more Australian products. "Jesus Christ!" he screamed, causing Churchie McCormack and Big Scott to wince. "What the fuck don't we export to China?" Looking at each other as they smiled, Michael McCormack suggested we don't export cars to...

Australia Rejoices At News That 3-On-3 Has Also Been Added To List Of Olympic Sports

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT The IOC has this year revealed the introduction of a 3-on-3 event at the 2024 Olympics - in an effort to give the games a more youthful and urban appeal. The 3-on-3 events are set to take place in downtown Paris, in a car park behind a popular dive bar, and follow the inclusion of surfing, skating and breakdancing...

Australia Rejoices At News That 3-On-3 Has Also Being Added To List Of Olympic Sports

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT The IOC has this year revealed the introduction of a 3-on-3 event at the 2024 Olympics - in an effort to give the games a more youthful and urban appeal. The 3-on-3 events are set to take place in downtown Paris, in a car park behind a popular dive bar, and follow the inclusion of surfing, skating and breakdancing...

Scotty Holds Focus Group To Decide Which ODI Shirt He’s Going To Wear To The First Test

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Our Bloke-In-Chief has some problems on his plate right now but none more so, he says, than deciding which "Aussie" cricket shirt he's going to wear to the first Test Match in Adelaide next week. Scott Morrison spent the morning with his Bloke Advisor, who helped him learn all the fielding positions, bowling styles and...

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